(Warning: Strong language ahead.  Stop reading if you’re under 13… or something).

Let’s play a game.  Suppose this post represents a movie submitted to the MPAA for a rating.  So far, all is good and we’re at a family-friendly G (Maybe a PG from the title).

Fuck.

So much for family friendly.  A sweet, blue-haired lady covers her ears.  A near-catatonic dude with large tub of popcorn lets out a chuckle and we get slapped with a PG-13.

Fuck.

And now this whole post is unfit for sweet, old ladies and anyone under 17.  Bam.  R.  No questions asked.

The PG-13 rules for strong language state:

A motion picture’s single use of one of the harsher sexually-derived words, though only as an expletive, initially requires at least a PG-13 rating.  More than one such expletive requires an R rating, as must even one of those words used in a sexual context.  The Rating Board nevertheless may rate such a motion picture PG-13 if, based on a special vote by a two-thirds majority, the Raters feel that most American parents would believe that a PG-13 rating is appropriate because of the context or manner in which the words are used or because the use of those words in the motion picture is inconspicuous.

I’ve stated this rule several times in my PG-13 comedy reviews.  In those cases, I gladly support it.  Writers know they get one F-bomb and will use it at the funniest moment (at least, that’s the hope).  It forces them to not be lazy and gratuitous.  That’s a wonderful thing.

Recently, this rule has caused crazy internet riots on all of the major movie blogs.  The Weinstein Co. made a documentary about the bullying epidemic in our schools.  Over the course of filming kids, a few of them dropped f-bombs.  Five total.  I’m a little shocked at how low that is.  I assumed kids these days would make Scorsese blush.

Because there were more than one F-bomb in the movie, the MPAA gave it an R rating.  The Weinsteins appealed, but came one vote short to overturn the decision.  A PG-13 movie could be shown in schools.  Probably the demographic needing to see this movie the most.  With an R, parents would have to take their kids to the theater, and how many parents willingly do that?  Yeah.  None.  Also, this isn’t the kind of R-rated movie kids would sneak into, so basically no one will go watch this.

Interestingly, the Weinsteins decided not to accept the R rating.  Instead, they will release it as Unrated.  Theater chains hate Unrated movies and won’t show them (they basically treat them as NC-17).  This means Bully will be released in 5 theaters over the country.  Craziness.

Last year, The King’s Speech was released with an R rating.  The very PG movie had one scene where a character let out a string of F-bombs.  If you haven’t seen it, I won’t spoil the moment, but believe me when I say that it’s an important, emotional break for the character.  After the movie won Best Picture, the studio released a PG-13 version with the audio muted during that scene.  How strange.  I never saw that version, but I can only imagine that scene completely lost its emotional impact.

One last piece of evidence.  There was a documentary called Gunner Palace released in 2005.  The movie followed American soldiers in Iraq and contained a whopping 42 F-bombs.  The MPAA ruled that it was all inoffensive and gave the movie a PG-13.

Obviously, ratings are important, and I believe the PG-13 language rules are appropriate.  I just wonder if society has changed from the days these rules were put in place.  Should they be adjusted?  Is “Strong Language” still as offensive today as it was 30 years ago?

I have no answers, but this facet of the movie industry makes for good conversation and debate.  What are your thoughts?

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a genuine hit.  The Swedish story started as a book (translated into English), then a movie (subtitled into English), and now an American version (subtitled into Swedish, I’m sure).  All of this in less than four years.  That poor cow has been more than just milked.

Obviously, this movie does not need to exist.  The original is very good and available free on Netflix streaming (and probably everywhere else).  Sure, we get Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara this time, and they’re both fine.  In the original, there are just a bunch of Swedes I’ve never seen before.  But that’s a good thing.  Here, I know the important characters are played by the actors I recognize.  For a murder mystery, obscurity greatly strengthens the story.

For my third exposure to this tattoo, it’s amazing I sat through all tw0 hours and forty minutes and still thought it was awesome.  The mystery holds its own against the best of Agatha Christie and Hitchcock.  It’s darker than those.  Very dark in places with the US version being even more graphic than the original.  Nothing is ever gratuitous, however, so it all works.

If you’ve been exposed to this story in any of its previous forms and enjoyed it, I’d still say this is worth watching.  It sticks close to the book (far-too-long epilog included).  There’s more polish, obviously, and Trent Reznor’s soundtrack is totally worth a viewing.  You’ll never listed to Enya the same again.

This is still a great murder mystery.  See it in some form or another.

Grade: A

 

Kristi’s Take…

Unlike my cohort I have not seen the original Swedish film, so my take on the film is slightly less biased. Having said that, I believe John is quite right about his assessment of this film. David Fincher, the director of many well known and beloved films like: Seven, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Fight Club and so forth creates a suspense filled movie that leaves you longing for the answer to all of your questions. Of course I couldn’t handle this and used my phone to wiki the ending and surprisingly enough knowing the ending did not diminish the over all film for me in the slightest.

The downside of this film for me was the length and seeing it with my mother, which was awkward during the more gratuitous scenes. I was woefully unimpressed with the actual dragon tattoo on Rooney Mara’s character, Lisabeth Salander, but her role and acting in this film more than make up for something as silly as my wish for a more impressive tattoo.

This is a brutal and fantastically beautiful film, which is completely worth spending $10 on if you don’t catch the matinee, but be ready for a longish movie with an excellent mystery.

Grade: A

Kristi’s Take-

Magic is in the the air and I’m not referring to Christmas. It has been a while since I’ve seen a great movie in the theater, but tonight I watched a truly magnificent movie. I have literally been at a loss for words and unable to write a single review until tonight.

Hugo is about the magic of film and one of the greatest film makers ever, George Melies. The story follows a young orphan’s journey to find his purpose in life and he does this through the fixing of a broken automaton and figuring out the mystery behind its creation.

Martin Scorsese creates a magical world within a train station during the 30s in Paris. His use of vintage film footage in this movie illuminates the history of film in a way that brings tears to your eyes and a warmth to your heart. I am rarely moved by films, but even I had tears welling up inside of me when seeing the vintage footage that was included in this film. It is so hard to describe the beginning of film to people outside of the industry and finally there is a fun and family friendly movie that does exactly what I find so difficult.

There was absolutely nothing about this film I disliked and I can only imagine how dazzling it would be in 3D. I suggest that you see this movie posthaste and enjoy the experience and beauty of true cinema.

Grade: A+

 

 John’s Take…

Hugo is going to win a lot of awards at the Oscars this year – probably even Best Picture.  And that’s because it is a love story to Cinephiles.  My theory is that Scorsese woke up one morning and said, “I’m going to make another mobster movie!”  His wife then said, “You’ve made enough of those!”  He then said, “I’m going to make a movie to show why I love movies!  No mobsters, dear.”  By that standard, he made one of the greatest non-mobster movies ever.  If you love movies, this is a much see.  Period.  By not watching Hugo, you lose half your street cred.

If you think movies are just a good way to kill a few hours; or if you think Michael Bay is a great director; or Shia LaBeouf is a great actor, you’ll love Hugo, too, but only because you recognized Borat in it.

If my theory holds true, every critic will say (or already has said) that this is the greatest movie of the year.  When you ask your friends (I’m talking about your normal friends, not wierdos like Kristi and I), they’ll probably give you a “Meh, it was alright.”  The story is good and there’s a cool mystery to be solved, but I’m not sure how well people will enjoy all of the movie history.  If you see this, I’m genuinely curious to hear how you like it.

I saw this in 3D and it looked like Scorsese gave that extra dimension to his cinematographer instead of handling it himself.  The movie is set in Paris and every time there’s a shot of the city, the 3D is used perfectly.  Slower, dialog shots are kept flat and then stretched out as the emotion ramps up.  It’s 3D done right and it’s awesome to see.

If you have even a passing interest in movie history, then go see Hugo.  The re-enacted Behind the Scenes shots (of famous scenes like the spaceship in the eye of the moon) are worth it on their own.

Grade: A+

When I first saw the trailers for Bridesmaids, I labeled it as The Hangover for Women.  My female friends who went to see it immediately corrected me and said it was just as funny for dudes.  Riiiiight.  But my theory had nothing to stand on until I saw it, so going in I gave it the benefit of the doubt.  And I’m proud to say that Bridesmaids is in fact, The Hangover for Women: Minus the Jokes.

Now I don’t like to bash chick flicks simply because they are made for women.  That wouldn’t be fair and I tend to like several of them.  Unless of course we’re talking about Twilight and my bashings of that should carry the equivalent weight of an After School Special where Little Suzy is saved from a Twilight addiction through the cunning use of heroin.

While it’s easy to laugh at a bunch of women unable to contain their supersonic sewer sauce during dress fittings, everything else a woman goes through during a wedding is pretty foreign to most guys.  Also, guys don’t have BFFs.  We have the occasional bromance, and those are to be cherished like hundred year old scotch, but that’s completely different than B.F.F.  We expect our friends to change.  Those that don’t deserve an ass kicking.

Ultimately, the biggest problem with Bridemaids is that women just aren’t funny.  Don’t believe me?  This has been proven with science.  Stop reading and go check out the hilariously accurate QI clip here.

You back?  Good.  Now I’m not saying that there aren’t any funny women out there.  That’s ridiculous.  We all know there are several.  But I’ve never seen a female ensemble pull off comedy.  The group in Bridesmaids certainly don’t.  Hopefully that day will come, and when it does we’ll all have a good laugh while thinking how much funnier it would have been with a bunch of dudes.

Grade: D

Kristi’s Take…

This is another one of those times where I have to disagree with my fellow movie mus-er, again. I saw this movie with my sister, Shannon, after our mother of all people told us to go and see it because it was hilarious. Skeptical? Heck, yes.

Bridesmaids is not a female version of The Hangover. They may revolve around a wedding and have crude jokes, but Bridesmaids isn’t one big adventure after another. I will also say that this is not a chick flick. This is a movie that a guy and girl could enjoy together if one or the other isn’t squeamish.

I personally felt embarrassed to be watching a film that had so many disgusting jokes and scenes, but like most people I still laughed, even if it was from being uncomfortable.

So, should you see this movie? Sure, it’s worth a rental, but beware of the crude nature of the film. It is a very dry comedy that relies heavily on sex and bodily function jokes. The one thing I will agree with John about is that I don’t believe this film or any chick flick has or will ever pull off comedy the way a guy or bro comedy will.

Grade- C+

Moneyball Review:

I thought my criminal days were behind me, but when I see movies with my mom we end up seeing two or three for the price of one. This week we paid for Moneyball, finished it, then walked into the theater showing Abduction. All I can say about this illegal activity is that my mom made me do it and for that I say thank you.

Moneyball is the story of the Oakland A’s general manage/ ex-ball player, Billy Beane, who decides to play ‘moneyball’ instead of the traditional draft picks that cost millions of dollars, which the Oakland A’s did not have.

(For those of you who don’t know much about this empirical system of gauging a players performance versus the typical draft criteria, then look it up because it’s somewhat interesting.)

This was a decently paced movie and not overwhelmingly heartwarming like most sports movies. Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill do an amazing job delivering believable performances and Phillip Seymour Hoffman plays a great jack ass, as usual.

The downside to this film is that as a person who does not follow sports, especially baseball, I wasn’t super excited about the material of the film, i.e., the baseball. The upside to this is that they explain things very well in this film and even the non-sports enthusiast could enjoy the movie.

I think this is a movie worth seeing. In the theaters? Yes and No. If you’ve seen everything else or nothing really appeals to your extensive movie palate, then this makes a great date or loner movie.

Grade: B++

Abduction Review:

I combined these two reviews because I really didn’t have much to say about Abduction, but I felt that it was necessary to let the masses know that I stooped oh-so-low in my movie viewing.

This “action” flick was just an all around flop. My moviefone rating told me to skip it and so did rotten tomatoes, but I was lured in by naughty thoughts about Taylor Lautner’s cute face and awesome abs. (Yeah, I realize he is like 8 years younger than me, but he is a cutie pie. Also, I don’t care what any woman says, they see them and they like ‘em. Abs– that is.)

Aside from getting to see his abs a few times and some okay stunt work the movie was predictable and the dialogue (what dialogue?) was atrocious. Why do they allow John Singleton to make movies, seriously? It’s like he was trying to make a Jason Bourne movie for teenagers. Big fail!

Do not waste your time or money unless you are a 14 year old girl. I’m pretty sure they would like it….

Grade: D ( although it was still better than Drive)

“Hey Kristi, what should we see tonight?”
“I’m up for anything.”
“Well, that Ryan Gosling movie got 92% on Rotten Tomatoes.”
“Yummy.”

And so began the worst decision of the year. Not only is Drive the worst movie of 2011, it’s probably the worst of the decade. How it managed to score so high on Rotten Tomatoes makes me think I’ve been pranked. Some internet joke has gotten the best of me.

I’ll start with the good: there isn’t any.

Drive begins with about three lines of stilted, monotone dialog in the first twenty minutes. Ok, no problem. Up started with no lines and it was brilliant. After the opening scene (which isn’t completely terrible), Drive starts a romantic subplot (or maybe it’s a main plot.  I couldn’t really tell). But the dialog style remains the same; two or three lines of things normal people wouldn’t say, followed by painful moments of awkward silence in between. Did I accidentally walk into a Twilight movie?

Even the (quote)action scenes(/quote) move at a pace that would make Eeyore shout, “Get on with with it!” Halfway through the movie, I noticed several people walk out.  First time I’ve seen that in a while.  I even lost my cohort to Words with Friends.

They pepper the second half with some laughably gratuitous violence and nudity, but it all reeks of a twelve year old trying too hard to be artistic.

Drive is a terrible, terrible movie. I’m not sure any more needs to be said.

Grade: F-

Kristi’s Take…

Three words-

Worst movie EVER!

Grade: F-

I had a conversation recently about really great movies most people haven’t seen, but should.  That sounded like a great idea for a post so Kristi and I gathered a list of our ten favorites.  We could easily triple this list, but it’s a good start.

Check ‘em out:

John’s List…

1.) Memento:  This movie is also first on my Top Ten Movies That Make Your Head Hurt.  And if that doesn’t sell you on this, well, I’ll make a new list for special people later.

 

 

2.) Once:  The best musical that’s not a musical.  It’s been over three years since I saw this and I still listen to the soundtrack regularly.  Oh, and the story is great, too.

 

 

 

3.) Moon:  I’ll say nothing about this other than you should watch it.  Immediately.

 

 

 

4.) Primer:  A time travel story made with almost no money. The story alone carries this.  After watching, check out the Wiki article on all the timelines.

 

 

5.) Confessions of a Superhero: A very well-made documentary about the guys in costume in front of the Chinese Theater in Hollywood.  An interesting look into the lives of some odd, but fascinating people.

 

6.) Man on Wire: Another documentary about a French trapeze artist who illegally walks  between the Twin Towers.  And films it.  I realize the only trapeze artist you care about rides around with Batman, but give this guy a chance.

 

 

7.) Die Fälscher (The Counterfeiter): A very serious character study about a Jew  who ends up working for the Nazis.  It’s a look at the values we compromise to survive. I’m a sucker for great character studies and this one stands as one of my favorites.

 

 

8.) [Rec]: I hate horror movies.  I startle far too easily and while that’s hilarious for my friends, not so much for me.  I watched [Rec] on an overseas flight.  I jumped so many times, the dude next to me gave several concerned looks.  That said, it’s one of the best zombie flicks made.

 

 

9.) Shaun of the Dead: I’ve recommended this so many times I should be getting kickbacks.  Consider this required viewing for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse.

 

 

10.) The Usual Suspects:  Not exactly a small movie, but not a lot of people saw it back in the day.  If you still haven’t, there’s really no reason to keep putting it off.  This would go great with Memento for a double feature.

 

 

10.5) Oldboy – OK, I’m cheating a bit, but I have to add this to my list.  Oldboy is the best revenge flick made.  It’s more disturbing than Black Swan, which means it’s not meant to be seen by normal people. But it’s also brilliant, and you should see it.

 

 

Kristi’s List-

In no specific order:

1.) Suspiria (1947): A young woman attends a ballet school and starts to realize that things are not what they seem. Excellent horror movie and remember that horror films are natural aphrodisiacs because they pump up your adrenaline, which means the person you are with will want to be closer to you. Oh-la-la*

 

2.) Bring Up Baby (1938): Another oldie, but a goodie. Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant are a riot in this Romantic Comedy. It’s about a girl who will stop at nothing to get the guy she wants, even if it involves tricking him with a leopard named Baby.

By the way–This is probably one of my top five favorite films of all time and an excellent choice for a romantic night in or even for some alone        time. I highly recommend it for everyone.

 

3.) Brick (2005): This is a modern Noir film with Joseph Gordon-Levitt (3rd Rock from the Sun and Inception) as the main character. In the film he plays a young high school student who takes a look at the underbelly of high school crime in order to find out what happened to the girl he loved.

 

4.) For a Few Dollars More (1965): Many may know of this film, but most people haven’t seen it, but have watched The Good, The Bad and the Ugly. Clint Eastwood, the man with no name, teams up with another bounty hunter (Lee Van Cleef) in order to catch the ultimate scumbag, El Indio.

 

5.) Raise the Red Lantern (1991): A film by Zhang Yimou, ( Hero, House of Flying Daggers, Curse of the Golden Flower) follows a young woman, 19 years old, whom is forced to marry after her father dies. She becomes one of many wives and is introduced to the plotting and backstabbing of the culture within the family compound. A truly beautiful film.

(This is one of the few foreign films I will suggest and I realize most people don’t like reading subtitles or they find the films to be far slower than the films they are used to, so I just want to say that if you watch these foreign films that I’m recommending you won’t regret it and you may feel enlightened culturally and mentally afterward.)

 

6.) Blue (1993): A beautiful foreign film that deals with the death of a husband and child. The music in the film is hauntingly beautiful, the fascinating colors evoke emotions you never knew you had and it’s all about allowing life back in after dealing with great tragedy.

 

 

7.) Hard Candy (2005): A tense thriller about a pedophile and the young girl who attempts to expose him to the world. This is movie will have you on the edge of your seat and anticipating just how the film will end.

 

 

8.)The Lady Eve (1941): A con-artist, a gullible rich guy, romance and comedy make this a movie to cherish forever.

 

9.)Four Rooms (1995): This movie was directed by four different directors  (Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez are two of the four) and follows the bellhop’s journey through four rooms on New Year’s Eve at a hotel. Be prepared for hilarity, bizarre stories and an all around good time.

 

10.) Singin’ in the Rain (1952): Yes, I realize most people have heard of this movie and know the title song by heart, but how many have actually seen it? Not that many, so I encouraged all of you to watch this fun and fantastic musical. It takes place during the transition from the silent to the talkie film and shows how difficult that transition proved to be for a lot of the actors. Oh, and there is a lot of dancing and singing, which is fun!

 

Watch them and enjoy!