John’s Movie Musings

Quick, name a sequel that was better than the first? Empire Strikes Back comes to mind. Perhaps the Godfather, Part II? Aliens?

There have been a few, but it’s usually not the norm. When I reviewed the first Hellboy a few weeks ago, I wasn’t expecting to add Hellboy II to that list. Thankfully, I can.

Now granted, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good movie, right? Attack of the Clones was better than The Phantom Menace, but it’s still a bad movie. It turns out, Hellboy II is pretty good.

Let’s start with the best part – the plot. Since it’s not an origin story, you get two hours of plot. That’s perfect since none of that has to be wasted on introductions. Unfortunately, I’d recommend watch- er, suffering through the first one, just to fill in the gaps.

Like the first one, Hellboy II starts to slow down in the middle with a love story. I was so ready to rip into it, but the movie saves itself with one of the funniest scenes of the year. Just thinking of it now makes me laugh again. It’s brilliant.

Another great thing is the variety of creatures Del Toro puts in front of the camera. It’s like the Star Wars Cantina stretched out over two hours. And every one is different than anything else I’ve seen before. That’s saying something since I’ve seen more than my fair share of Sci-Fi movies. The creatures all have a distinct Del Toro look to them, but that just makes me excited for The Hobbit.

Anyway, I’m not a true Hellboy Fanboy yet, but I’ll definitely be seeing the third one.

Grade: B+

Why do I like this crap? I’m watching AVP:Requiem and laughing at the acting, the plot, and the stupidity of it all. Yet I keep coming back for more.

Let me explain what I’m talking about…

The movie is set in Gunnison, Colorado and I’m thinking to myself, “Hey, that doesn’t look like Gunnison….at all.” Of course, there probably aren’t too many people who have even heard of Gunnison, so I guess they get a pass.

At the halfway point, I’m rolling my eyes at yet another forced romance that doesn’t belong. Why does Hollywood continue to do this? Who looks at this poster and thinks, “This had better have a good love story or I am SO getting my money back!” No. This is a movie about two CG creatures killing each other and any human that’s stupid enough to get in their way. Or at least it should be.

And speaking of stupid humans, you know how in cheesy horror stories the victims always run upstairs when they should just run out the front door? Yeah, the humans in AVP:R are bred from the same idiot gene pool. I wonder if anyone has made a list of Movie Darwin Awards? Hmmm, I wonder if there’s money in that idea?

So I sit through 90 minutes of this crap and get to the final scenes and think, “Oooh! I wonder where they are gonna go with this. I need to watch the next one!” Seriously. Someone put me out of my misery. That, or tell Hollywood that interesting, over-arching storylines cannot span multiple crappy movies. It makes idiots like me give them more money.

Grade: C+ (only because I can’t bring myself to give it a B-)

Time for the annual “July 4th Will Smith Movie Event of a Lifetime.” You can tell Superhero movies are hot in Hollywood now since there seems to be a new release every week. Will Smith’s take is a little…odd. Imagine Superman combined with the lovechild of Jack Black and Kevin Smith. Only not as funny.

Think back. When was the last time you heard Will Smith drop an F-bomb? I can’t think of anything since he usually plays the hip, fun guy in a PG Action Adventure. In Hancock, he plays a jerk. And the amount of swearing he does (allowable in a PG-13 movie) actually caught me off guard. It wasn’t believable. But as I settled into the movie, I guess I got used to it ’cause it didn’t bother me later on. But perhaps that’s due to all the other problems this movie had.

So everybody knows that every superhero has a weakness. Cool, no problem. However, being rational, simple people, we expect that weakness to be consistent. If the conditions exist to where the superhero is weak, he should not be writhing in pain in one scene and throwing another man out of a building in the next. When this movie comes out on DVD, I promise drinking games will be invented on the inconsistencies.

One other rule of superheroes. Every one needs a villain. Many times, the villains are better than the hero. Hancock‘s villain is an extra that showed up off the street for the day’s shooting. I wish I was joking. It’s like the writer got to page 80 of the script and thought, “Oh crap! I forgot a villain! *scribble *scribble *scribble.” Ricky Gervais makes a TV show called Extras. I’m really hoping he spoofs this. It would be comedy gold.

So yeah, this movie is awful. Better luck next July 4, Will Smith.

Grade: D

I can’t remember where I heard about Persepolis. It might have been in Harry’s weekly DVD column on Ain’t It Cool. It looked like an interesting premise, so I thought I’d check it out.

The movie reminded me of the Kite Runner (the book, I haven’t seen the movie, yet). Here, a woman tells her story of growing up in Iran. The movie covers several decades and power shifts, so a woman’s perspective makes for an interesting story.

The movie is animated in this bizarre style that’s more at home in a web comic. You can see it on the poster. I’m not sure if that helped things or not. Had it been live-action, it would have carried a heavier tone, so maybe it’s best told this way. Someone remake this into a live action movie and send me a copy so I can find out.

But here’s the problem with everything. It wasn’t made for me. In fact, it wasn’t made for men at all. This is a “woman power” flick. This is Sex in the City set in Tehran…with burqas instead of purses.

Now that doesn’t mean it’s a bad movie. In fact, it’s very well done. Even my cold, dead heart can recognize a good chick flick. It’s just that I would have preferred a documentary. Some of you might relate to how Mr. McIshmael can break a woman’s heart. Me? Not so much.

Grade: C+ (Add a letter if you don’t have a Y Chromosome)

When I saw Hellboy in the theaters a few years ago, I didn’t like it. I couldn’t remember why, just that I walked out thinking it wasn’t very good. Now with the sequel coming out in a few weeks, I figured I’d give it another shot. Yes, I’ll probably watch the sequel since I’m somehow drawn to crappy movies.

Guillermo del Toro is bookending Pan’s Labyrinth with the Hellboy’s. I’m starting to get a feel for his directing style and enjoying it very much. Since the man is doing the Hobbit movies (yes, it’s being split into two), this is a good thing.

Since I have a greater appreciation for del Toro’s style now, I liked the look of the original Hellboy. At least, that’s what I’m assuming. I remember very few good things about it, so liking the look has to be new. Right?

I still have problems with the plot, however. First, it’s an Origin story which automatically knocks a few points off. I know that’s not fair since every story has to have a beginning. But when you’ve only got two hours to tell a complete story arc, way too much time gets wasted on introducing the characters. The leaves a pretty thin plot.

Hellboy makes matters worse by throwing a completely useless love triangle into the mix. The fact that it’s combined with a character introduction only makes it worse. Halfway through I completely lost all interest. Maybe it worked in the comics, but that would make sense since you have time to develop everything in that media.

I will say the ending was much better than I remembered. Not enough to save the rest, but good.

Grade: C-