John’s Movie Musings

The definition of insanity is expecting different results from the same action.  Hollywood is clearly insane since they keep churning out movies based on video games, hoping for a hit.  Yeah, that’s a weak joke, so you want better evidence?  Ridley Scott is making a movie about Monopoly.  Yeah, the board game.  I rest my case, Your Honor.

Video games aren’t known for their stories.  If you listen to the mainstream media, games are horribly violent endeavors that reward you for killing hookers and puppies or having lots of alien sex.  Story arcs are non-existent.

None of this is true, of course, so when I first heard Prince of Persia was headed to the big screen, I thought it made a lot of sense.  If you don’t know, the story is about this magic dagger that has a magical button on it.  Pushing the button releases magic sand that magically sends you back in time one minute (Persia’s a place of Magic and Mystery).  This concept worked great for a game.  Miss that jump?  No problem.  Just use that dagger and try again.  The idea could just as easily work in a movie, and it did.  The dagger scenes were visually satisfying, well thought-out sequences.  The kind you hope to see in an action-adventure movie.

Unfortunately, those scenes were all I enjoyed.  The plot got a little predictable, but that wasn’t the problem (Though surprisingly, the game’s plot was far better).  No, my biggest problem was with the humor.  There’s an ostrich scene in the middle that didn’t come close the tone of the story.  Everything starts out with an Indiana Jones kind of feel, but shifts into a campy, “Hey, we’re making a movie about a video game!!” vibe.  The jokes were forced and took me completely out of the story.  I never got back in.

I’ve heard Bruckheimer and Co. are hoping this franchise can take the torch from The Pirates of the Caribbean.  With Jake Gyllenhaal as the only big name and a weak first chapter, I’m not sure it’s got the legs.  But hey, they made a sequel to Tomb Raider, so maybe the asylum will spit out another.  Guess we’ll find out after Monopoly.

Grade: C

Roland Emmerich hates smart people.  Exhibit A is 2012, but let me take a step back and walk you through a brief history of Mr. Emmerich’s work.

You may remember him initially from Independence Day.  A classic film, to be sure, but if you watched it with anyone in IT, they walked out saying the movie was completely unbelievable – due to the computer virus, not the aliens attacking the planet.  This was our first indication of Roland’s prejudice, but no one paid any attention because you were making fun of the smart computer people you saw it with.

His next project was Godzilla, a movie where cinema nerds flipped out over the rapping of a Japanese classic.  It was easy to miss the attack on smart people here because, well, Godzilla insulted everyone.

Next came The Day After Tomorrow.  Here, the target of Roland’s ire were climate scientists and geologists.  We should have seen it then, because real scientists were doing interviews on CNN saying how sad and wrong this movie was.  But we didn’t listen.

10,000 BC arrived a few years later.  Historians took the brunt in this one.  Fortunately, they didn’t pay much attention since they were still trying to recover from the last Indiana Jones.

Finally, we get to 2012.  Having defecated on every other university subject, Mr. Emmerich targets Astronomy, Mythology, Geology (again), and Physics.  Oh, let’s throw Drama in there too, since acting and plot suffer.  I’m sure that wasn’t intentional but when a drunk man starts flinging poo, bystanders get hit.

I know a few of you will see anything John Cusack is in.  So should you see 2012?  You know to check your brain at the door, so let’s discuss the special effects.  No.  Let’s not discuss anything.  They’re lame.  Maybe I’m getting spoiled, but when the earth blows up, I want more than a crack in the sidewalk.  Even the volcano sucked.

In short, nothing sated my disaster movie snobbery.  Maybe I should get some help.

Grade: C+

Emerging from the womb with a penis comes with few downsides.  Oh who am I kidding?  There are no downsides.  Being a guy is awesome.  But we do have one flaw.  Well, not really a flaw – more of an annoyance.  Like scoring one goal shy of a hat trick.  Headgear would be nice, but you still got first star of the game.  No need to be greedy.  Back to my point… Men are completely unable to understand most everything about women.  Yes, everything, but for here, let’s focus on Twilight.

If you haven’t been living under the influence of estrogen and thus, have no clue what I’m talking about, the Twilight series is all about the castration of vampires.  There were four books  on the subject and now, we’re on the second movie.  It’s just like the first one, but this time the author goes all Lorena Bobbitt on werewolves.

OK, that’s not exactly true.  In New Moon, Buttercup and Sparkles break up, with him going to Italy to futilely search for his manhood.  Buttercup is sad, so she decides to lead on Teen Wolf.  That doesn’t work out, so everyone heads to Italy where they are shocked to discover Dakota Fanning has all grown up.

Now as a dude, none of this makes any sense to me.  That’s why I watch these movies with the accompanying Rifftrax soundtrack.  What is originally two hours of confusion and pained expressions on my face, turns into hours of comedy gold.  It’s so good and so funny that when the trailers for Eclipse come on, I get all giddy with the rest of the girls.

New Moon Grade: F

Rifftrax Grade: A-

Welcome to summer.  Well, according to Hollywood’s calendar, anyway.  Remember when Memorial Day kicked off the big summer blockbusters?  At this rate, Iron Man 4 will be released on Valentine’s Day.

So yeah, sequels.  They should be awesome, but so rarely are.  With an origin story, you’ve got to give so much time to introducing the characters that the plot gets a little thin.  But in a sequel, you don’t have to waste time explaining who Iron Man is (well, maybe to American audiences), but there should be plenty of time for a decent story.  Sadly, Hollywood manages to screw it up most of the time.  How?  By introducing more new characters than were in the first.

Comic book movies are especially bad at this.  Listen, Hollywood.  Just because the characters are in costume, it doesn’t mean the movie should resemble a clown car.  The fantasy elements should be used to enhance elements of the human condition.  That’s why comics got started.  Want to talk about race relations in a very explosive period?  Invent the X-Men.  Iron Man was created to talk about the Cold War.  Times have changed, but there are certainly no lack of themes to explore.  Especially those you would have time to explore in a sequel.  Grrr.

Now the odd part in this is that it’s all just one big origin story for the upcoming Avengers movie.  In addition to the Iron Man flicks, we’ve had Ed Norton’s Hulk, with Thor and Captain America coming shortly.  But to what end?  We’ll get introduced to these characters just in time for yet another introduction to them as The Avengers?  My inner cynic is not impressed.

But enough ranting.  Go see Iron Man 2.  It’s more fluff than the first one, but it’s also a lot more fun.  You’ll laugh and have a good time.  Can’t complain about that.

Grade: B

Where did the year go?  Work has me traveling so much that not only have I not watched many movies, I’m still trying to figure out where February went.  Despite all that, we’re a week away from the big summer movie blockbusters, so it’s time to check out what’s in store for us.

Here we go…

May 7

• Iron Man 2 – Wealthy bachelor spends his money on a suit that makes him a super hero.  Yeah, it’s Batman with more drinkin.  Just as awesome, though.

May 14

• Robin Hood – There have been a bazillion Robin Hood movies, but my fav is still the Disney version with foxes.  Russell Crowe takes the lead here, so expect lots of scowling.
• Just Wright – Rom Com starring Queen Latifah and Common.  I’m guessing “common” will be used a lot in the reviews.
• Letters to Juliet – Another movie for the ladies.  But won’t most of them be watching Russell Crowe?

May 21

• MacGruber - Hey look! A 30-sec SNL skit brought to the big screen.  Because that’s worked so well before.
• Shrek Forever After – Is the milk from this cow green?

May 28

• Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time – Movie based on a video game.  Bruckheimer moved to this franchise after Pirates of the Caribbean ran its course.  And hey, that was based off a ride.  This has gotta be better, right?
• Sex in the City 2 – Zombies attack a shopping mall or two.

June 4

• Get Him to the Greek – An R-rated, Judd Apatow comedy.  Expect lots of dick jokes.
• Killers - Ashton Kutcher movie that sort of looks like Mr. & Mrs. Smith.  Only really lame.
• Marmaduke - Yeah. that dog from the Sunday Funnies.  More like Marmapuke, amiright?
• Splice - Adrien Brody stars in a Sci-Fi cloning thriller.  Looks better than everything else this weekend.

June 11

• The A-Team – Proof Hollywood will reboot anything.
• The Karate Kid – No, my bad.  This is the proof.  Will Smith’s kid stars in this.  Seriously.

June 18

• Jonah Hex - I know nothing of the comic, but the trailer makes it look interesting.  Josh Brolin tries to look like a cowboy and Megan Fox tries to look pretty.  Both succeed.
• Toy Story 3 – Best movie of the summer?

June 25

• Grown Ups – Adam Sandler comedy about a bunch of kids getting together after 30 years for a reunion.  Could be funny.
• Knight & Day – Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz in a spy comedy.  I know nothing else about this.

June 30

• Twilight Saga: Eclipse – The adventures of Sparkles and Teen Wolf continue.

July 2

• The Last Airbender – The anime was incredible.  Let’s hope M Night doesn’t screw it up.  From the trailers, he got the look right.  Here’s hoping the story holds up.

July 9

• Despicable Me – Animated 3D yarn.  Can’t be all bad.
• Predators - I don’t know if this is a reboot or a sequel or what.  I just hope it’s awesome.

July 16

• Inception - This is that Leonardo DiCaprio movie that makes no sense.  Guess we’ll figure it all out in July.
• The Sorcerer’s Apprentice – Yeah, a live-action version of the Disney classic.  Wonder if there will be dancing brooms?  The music better not suck.

July 23

• Dinner for Schmucks - Steve Carell comedy.  That’s all I know.
• Romona and Beezus – G-rated kids movie based on a Beverly Cleary book.  I think there’s an empty tomb in this one.
• Salt - Angelina Jolie plays a spy seeking her nemesis, Peppa.

July 30

• Beastly - Bah.  This is a teen flick and not a new X-Men movie.
• Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore – /facepalm

August 6

• The Other Guys – Will Ferrel and Mark Wahlberg in a buddy cop comedy.  Trailer looks hilarious.
• Step-Up 3D - Crappy dancing movie in 3D.  Excited?

August 13

• Eat, Pray, Love – Julia Roberts movie.  The full title is “Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia.”  I bet she won’t find a good burger.
• Scott Pilgrim vs. the World – Michael Cera movie.  From that, you probably know everything.
• The Expendables – Stallone, Statham, Lundgren, Rourke, Willis, Schwarzenegger.  This movie might make you a man.  Even the ladies.

August 20

• Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang – This is a sequel, right?
• The Switch – Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston Rom Com about artificial insemination.  That’s a funny topic, right?
• Takers - Heist movie.  Looks like a poor man’s Ocean’s 11

August 27

• Going the Distance – Drew Barrymore rom com about long distance relationships.  It also stars Justin Long, so it’s gonna be like a Mac-meets-pretty-PC commercial.
• The Last Exorcism – until the sequel.
• Piranha 3D – Finally! A movie using 3D to its fullest potential.

And that’s it.  Odds on best of the summer?