John’s Movie Musings

Emerging from the womb with a penis comes with few downsides.  Oh who am I kidding?  There are no downsides.  Being a guy is awesome.  But we do have one flaw.  Well, not really a flaw – more of an annoyance.  Like scoring one goal shy of a hat trick.  Headgear would be nice, but you still got first star of the game.  No need to be greedy.  Back to my point… Men are completely unable to understand most everything about women.  Yes, everything, but for here, let’s focus on Twilight.

If you haven’t been living under the influence of estrogen and thus, have no clue what I’m talking about, the Twilight series is all about the castration of vampires.  There were four books  on the subject and now, we’re on the second movie.  It’s just like the first one, but this time the author goes all Lorena Bobbitt on werewolves.

OK, that’s not exactly true.  In New Moon, Buttercup and Sparkles break up, with him going to Italy to futilely search for his manhood.  Buttercup is sad, so she decides to lead on Teen Wolf.  That doesn’t work out, so everyone heads to Italy where they are shocked to discover Dakota Fanning has all grown up.

Now as a dude, none of this makes any sense to me.  That’s why I watch these movies with the accompanying Rifftrax soundtrack.  What is originally two hours of confusion and pained expressions on my face, turns into hours of comedy gold.  It’s so good and so funny that when the trailers for Eclipse come on, I get all giddy with the rest of the girls.

New Moon Grade: F

Rifftrax Grade: A-