John’s Movie Musings

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost make movies for movie lovers.  Shaun of the Dead began a trilogy of sorts, honoring mocking specific genres.  First with zombie horror, then Hot Fuzz slow-motion side-jumped into action films.  Paul beams us up into science fiction.

None of these films ever do well at the Box Office because they are made for a specific individual.  Someone who has seen a ton of movies and gets all of the inside jokes.  Someone like me.

For example, if you don’t laugh when Jason Bateman says, “Boring conversation, anyway” after putting a bullet into a CB radio, then Paul is not for you.  If, on the other hand, you just spat your Mountain Dew all over the keyboard after reading that, then pony yourself over to the cineplex, my friend.  You have a date with Paul.

Seth Rogan voices the little green man, and does a great job at giving some personality to the CGI.  Kristen Wiig is also in this.  I’ve never been a big fan of her and she does nothing to win me over here, but some of you may think she’s funny.  There are a couple of other cameos I’ll not mention, but they all play well into the “inside joke” point of the movie.

Paul is a tough movie to review.  I laughed at all the jokes, so as the cinematic equivalent of a stand-up comedian, it gets high praise.  As a film, hopefully you know if this is for you.  If you’ve enjoyed their other two outings, then definitely put this on your list.  It’s not as good as Shaun of the Dead, but still on par with Hot Fuzz.

Grade: B+

The Social Network opens with a classic line from Mark Zuckerberg’s soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, “You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you’re going to go through life thinking that girls don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an asshole.”  These few lines set the major theme of the movie, and anyone with a Facebook account probably couldn’t agree more… if not having a few other choice words for the guy.

Recently, the only Facebook drama has been around Zuckerberg’s “missteps” in regards to privacy.  No, misstep is too kind.  The guy wipes his ass with the things we hold dear.  But all this drama is nothing compared to ooze Facebook crawled from.  Lawsuits galore.  Hacking the Harvard network.  Destroyed friendships.  All things Hollywood loves for a movie.  Which is great since a movie about Facebook sounds about as exciting as one about Battleship and Monopoly (both becoming movies, btw).

Shocking everyone, The Social Network was up for Best Picture this year.  And you know what?  It deserved every bit of that nomination.  Justin Timberlake, who I’ve sworn to abhor, scored major points as the guy/douchebag that started Napster.  I’ve heard major liberties were taken with the story, but all the lawsuits were real, Zuckerberg wanted to create a site comparing women to farm animals, and his business cards really did say “I’m CEO…Bitch.”

Despite the great story, it has one of my favorite endings of all time.  It ends as brilliantly as it begins. Even if you don’t have a Facebook account (and who doesn’t these days?), you need to see this.

Grade: A+

Those first twenty minutes of a movie are so crucial to your enjoyment of it.  Many moons ago I was lecturing some friends on the awesomeness of The Hurt Locker.  A topic I assumed had plenty of support.  “Meh,” they both said.  “It wasn’t that great.”  A double facepalm later, I built my case, scene by scene, on why they were undeniably, irrefutably, wrong.  Their defense was a simple, “I just couldn’t get into it.”

And so goes Red.

Before watching, I knew virtually nothing about this movie.  Based on a graphic novel, bits were shown at Comic Con to huge raves.  There was a crappy showing at the box office, and it eventually showed up on some “Best Movie Nobody Saw” lists at the end of the year.  Netflix even had it listed over 4 stars.  All of that immediately put me into “well I gotta check this out” mode.  (Note: I also get into that mode whenever I hear, “We have this new brew on tap.”)

Red is basically about Bruce Willis being a retired bad-ass, Mary-Louise Parker being the mousy girl on a new adventure, and John Malkovich, well, being John Malkovich  (Long way for that joke, sorry).  Morgan Freeman and Helen Mirren have big roles, too.  Plus a few of those actors who make you say, “oh hey, that guy.”  There’s some CIA/NSA stuff going down and lots of things blow up.  John Malkovich acts insane.  All good things, but I just couldn’t get into it. Maybe you’ll like it.  If you do, let me know.

Grade: C-

If you haven’t heard of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, where have you been?  On a recent flight, I saw three different people reading the books.  And those were just the Analogs.  That same flight, I wrapped up book one on my Kindle app with an air of smugness towards my literary technophobes.  Thankfully, I finished before I had to turn off my book prior to landing.

You’re probably also aware that the series hails from Sweden, like Ikea and fjords (not really.  Never ask a Swede about their fjords).  Did you know the Swedes have already made the series into movies?  If you’re the type that prefers to wait for the movie, but also likes to read, you can watch these with subtitles and do both.  Win!

Despite the titles (as cool as they are), the stories don’t revolve around a dragon-tattooed girl who plays with fire and hornets.  The original title is translated as Men Who Hate Women.  That’s the theme that runs constant through the series and should answer your questions about why Lisbeth Salander (said girl) isn’t as central as you think she should be.  You see, back in the day, the author witnessed a gang rape of a 15-yr old (also named Lisbeth).  He was so haunted by his inaction, he kept a strong theme of sexual violence against women through the series.  Perhaps as a way to deal with that past regret.

Which brings me to another point.  You could easily place these into the Dark Thriller category (also called the WTF Did I Just Watch? genre) like Se7en or Oldboy.  I tend to enjoy these movies and foreign films offer a different, sometimes better, vibe than what we get out of Hollywood.  But remember that European movies have different standards when it comes to sex and violence.  Be warned.  The American versions start this December with Rooney Mara and Daniel Craig.  We’ll see how those turn out.

By far, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is the best of the series.  Parts two and three are really one story and have a different feel to them.  As my friend put it, “They’re like a bad James Bond knock-off with a super-villain”  I did enjoy the other two (probably the characters more than the story), but my friend makes a good point.

All three movies are on Netflix Instant.  If gritty, dark, disturbing thrillers are your thing, check ‘em out.  Or just wait and see what Hollywood does with them this year.

Grade: A

Masculinity is dead.  Perhaps I’m just being nostalgic, but there was a time when the idea of Adrien Brody staring in a Predator movie would have been ridiculous, even for a SNL skit.  Between Lady Gaga and Justin Beiber, why is Gaga the one we assume has the penis?  And I distinctly remember a time when vampires were terrifying creatures that only sucked blood.

Yet in the midst of all this chaos and confusion, along comes Sylvester Stallone to set the world right again.  The Expendables is his homage to the action stars of the 80s.  Those movies stripped away the superfluousness (like plot and acting) and tapped into man’s inner need to blow shit up.  You could quote, “to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women” in a board meeting and receive nods of approval that you were doing the right thing.  It was a glorious time.

Though (sadly) times have changed, The Expendables will still bring you back to those happy moments.  Like when you first saw the G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier.  You knew your parents would have never spent that kind of money on you, but it proved there was some bad-ass out there who loved you deeply, and you wanted to be just like him.

For The Expendables, Stallone is that bad-ass.  There’s a scene between Sly and Arnold that’s the cinematic equivalent of Reagan meeting Gorbachev.  There’s a fully automatic shotgun.  Every time it fires, it sounds like a grunt from Tim the Toolman Taylor.  It’s so beautiful, your eyes may not be able to contain the tears.

The movie comes out on DVD the week of Thanksgiving.  I say you grab yourself the biggest turkey leg you can find and enjoy both.  Just be sure and skip the quiche, you pansy.

Grade: A

Have you grasped the cultural significance of the original Predator?  Released way back in 1987, it starred two(!) future governors.  Had Carl Weathers not starred in Action Jackson a few years later, there may have been three.

Predator has also survived some of the crappiest sequels ever imagined. The Alien franchise is still trying to recover from its unfortunate couplings.  But after going back for seconds, I kinda feel like the friend who told my buddy to stay away from that girl the first time around.

So after all this time, Robert Rodriguez  comes along to reboot the franchise.  OK, it’s certainly due.  But he reboots it by keeping the first one intact.  You see, Predators is a direct sequel to the original.  All those other movies?  Pretend they never happened.  But really, I think that’s the only way you could reboot this.  Keep the awesomeness of Arnold’s “Get to the choppah!” and forget everything else.  That’s how everyone remembers Predator anyway.  So, win-win.

For a Predators reboot, we need a new action hero.  Someone who embodies the testosterone of the 80s action star.  So Rodriguez brings us Adrien Brody.  Wilco. Tango. Foxtrot.  OK, not my first choice (nor my twentieth).

Brody plays a mercenary (*laugh) dropped into a dense jungle with a bunch of other military/criminal types.  And Topher Grace.  While they all try and figure out why Topher Grace was selected with the rest of them, you’re trying to figure out why Topher Grace is in a Predator movie.

Obviously Predators has some… interesting casting choices, but they all work.  Adrien Brody even convinced me he could fire a gun without rubbing the “owie” on his shoulder every time.  Better still, the story works.  Now, this is Predators we’re talking about, so you better realize what you’re getting yourself into.  But if you’re looking for a great hunter/hunted flick, this’ll do nicely.

Grade: B+

That’s it.  I’m done with Shyamalan.  The cred he earned from The Sixth Sense, Signs, and Unbreakable (well I liked it), has been obliterated by Lady in the Water, The Village, The Happening, and now The Last Airbender.  He’s the only director I know that has consistently released a film that’s worse than the one before it.  Even Uwe Boll (a man financed by corporations looking for a tax write-off) manages to show some growth between releases.

I’m late with this review because I really didn’t want to talk about it.  With a Rotten Tomatoes score of 8%, I figured it would die a merciful death and we could all forget it ever happened.  Party conversations would be like, “Hey, remember The Last Airbender?”  “What? … … Wanna see me stick this quarter up my nose again?”  It would be bliss.  But no, the film’s made over $100M so far and looks to make a profit after all is said and done.  That means the sequel will get made.  People, for all that is Good and Right, we cannot let this happen.  Stop paying money to see this.  You’re destroying humanity.

If there’s to be one good thing to come of this aberration, some of you might get introduced to the cartoon.  Called Avatar: The Last Airbender (before James Cameron started filming with two cameras and stole the name), the three-season story arc explored themes of love, death, friendship, vengeance, jealousy, and family wounds.  But ultimately, the story centered around a 12-yr old boy struggling to accept a burden he never asked to carry.  All of these heavy themes were written perfectly and delicately wrapped in a kid’s cartoon.  It had no business being as good as it was.

You’d think with all of that powerful source material, making a movie would be simple.  But M Night made the decision (or lacked the mental faculty) and stripped the emotional weight from every scene.  He changed the character name pronunciations (Aang rhymes with bang, not hung), and his actors couldn’t decide on how to say ‘avatar’ – even in the same scene, by the same character.  And as one final, fecal-shaped exclamation point, M Night changed the ending, proving he had completely missed the point of the story he was telling.

If this blog shows anything, it’s that I’ve seen a lot of bad movies.  The Last Airbender is easily in my top five worst of all time.  It even made me angry.  The cartoon was like a vintage automobile, full of memories.  Shyamalan bought that car, gutted it, replaced the original seats with a La-Z-Boy, and set the whole thing on blocks in the front yard.  Most infuriatingly, he was proud of his work.

Grade: F-