Planet Terror – Review

OK, first off, look at the poster for this movie. Is your first thought, “Holy Crap! I need to see this!!!”? [Notice the proper use of British punctuation.] If that thought is the furthest thing from your mind, stop reading and go back to watching Martha Stewart. You are way too intellectual for this movie. And by “intellectual” I mean “boring.” For the rest of you, continue reading what you already know.

Planet Terror is Robert Rodriguez’s ying to Tarantino’s yang in their Grindhouse movie. Because the majority of the movie-seeing public is boring, the movie tanked in the box-office. To help recoup some money, they cleaved Grindhouse in two like you would a zombie. I missed it in the theater, so I have no idea if anything is different, but I heard rumors that the DVD versions are a bit longer. I consider that a win in my book.

In order to describe the greatness of Planet Terror, I have to discuss The Greatest Movie Ever Made, a.k.a. Army of Darkness. That movie was (is) brilliant because of its B-movie horror flick, cheesy goodness. And Bruce Campbell. Planet Terror doesn’t give us Bruce Campbell, but gives us Rose McGowan with an M-16 for a leg. She’s basically how I’d picture Bruce Campbell if he started injecting estrogen. It’s not a bad second, really.

Rodriguez styles up the movie to make it look like you’re watching in a real Grindhouse. The reels skip off track, colors bleed, and the film even melts at an (in)appropriate time. Any more authentic and you’d have to mix bubble gum in your cat’s litter box and spread it over your living room.

So, if you are a fan of Robert Rodriguez, cheesy horror flicks, or ever wondered how Bruce Campbell would look with breasts, you owe it to yourself to watch this one. As for me, I’m waiting for the HD version so it can sit right next to the HD DVD of Army of Darkness.

Grade: A

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