DOA: Dead or Alive – Review

OK, so I was surprised when Netflix shipped me this. First, that I had actually put it into my queue and second, that it was at the top. It was then I noticed that the top 15 movies in my queue had a “Long Wait” or “Very Long Wait” status. Curse you Netflix. Curse you and your stupid long wait queues.

So anyway, there’s only one of you who even knows what this movie is about, so I’m gonna spoil it. Why? So you can enjoy the hilarity buried within two hours of putrescence. It’s like a cream-filled crapcicle and I’m gonna spare you from the crap.

DOA is a movie based on a video game. Not just any video game, a fighting game. Think Mortal Kombat without the kool. Like every fighting game ever made, there is no story so they go with generic fighting plot number 1: invite people from around the world to a remote island to compete in a winner take all contest of skill and endurance. Blah, blah, blah.

But here’s the good part. The maniacal crazyman living on the island is played by Eric Roberts. Yeah, that Eric Roberts, who’s like 80 now. Anyway, when all the fighters arrive on the island, he injects them with nanobots that analyze their fighting styles. Actually, the movie calls it “moves” but I just couldn’t bring myself to say it.

After the tournament has almost wrapped up, Mr. Evil Old Man downloads the remaining fighters’ “moves” into a pair of sunglasses. Read that again. While wearing the sunglasses, Eric Roberts is a badass and cannot be defeated because he knows everyone’s moves. Seriously, I can’t make this up. Eventually, Eric Roberts’s Sunglasses of Ultimate Badassery (ERSUB) go flying off his head and the heroes finally beat him. I then realized that if this were a better movie, they would have “finished” him. Oh well.

The one person I know who has played this game may find the movie somewhat hilarious. For the rest of you, you’ve been warned.

Grade: F

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