Hitman – Review

Love stories in action movies never work. They’re always forced on me – like rice with my burrito. I just want the burrito, yet I always get a plate half-filled with Spanish maggots. Who wants that?

Hitman is yet another movie with a tacked-on love story. The film is based on the game where you play an assassin (you thought I was gonna say “hitman” didn’t you?). Now I understand why the love story was introduced. Hitmen are usually depicted as evil. So in order for the audience to actually care about our hero, he has to have something to make him not-so-evil. The game handles this with a religious sub-plot. A priest assists you in your missions to kill only evil, non-innocent, bad guys. However, in the movie the priest gets replaced by a prostitute. Sure, she’s easier on the eyes than an old priest, but it’s really the easy way out of the problem.

Yes, I realize my expectations for video game movies are a little high, but I know that one day before I die, I’ll see a good one.

Hitman throws a lot of game references in like his walk, his weapons, the music, and the way he disposes of bodies. That’s all great and since I’ve played a couple of the games, I got a chuckle out of it.

However, my biggest problem comes with how high the body count rises. The game is stealth-based. You get in, make your kill (preferably by some ingenius method that makes it look like an accident), and get out without being noticed. In the movie, Mr. Hitman goes through the front door with guns blazing. And since all the faceless bad guys have gone to the Hollywood Shooting School, every shot misses. It’s ridiculous.

So should you see this? Not a chance. As bad as it was, I sort of liked it because I enjoy the games, but that’s the only reason. As a movie for everyone else on the planet, it’s awful.

Grade: C (For you, F)

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