Month: April 2008

Love stories in action movies never work. They’re always forced on me – like rice with my burrito. I just want the burrito, yet I always get a plate half-filled with Spanish maggots. Who wants that?

Hitman is yet another movie with a tacked-on love story. The film is based on the game where you play an assassin (you thought I was gonna say “hitman” didn’t you?). Now I understand why the love story was introduced. Hitmen are usually depicted as evil. So in order for the audience to actually care about our hero, he has to have something to make him not-so-evil. The game handles this with a religious sub-plot. A priest assists you in your missions to kill only evil, non-innocent, bad guys. However, in the movie the priest gets replaced by a prostitute. Sure, she’s easier on the eyes than an old priest, but it’s really the easy way out of the problem.

Yes, I realize my expectations for video game movies are a little high, but I know that one day before I die, I’ll see a good one.

Hitman throws a lot of game references in like his walk, his weapons, the music, and the way he disposes of bodies. That’s all great and since I’ve played a couple of the games, I got a chuckle out of it.

However, my biggest problem comes with how high the body count rises. The game is stealth-based. You get in, make your kill (preferably by some ingenius method that makes it look like an accident), and get out without being noticed. In the movie, Mr. Hitman goes through the front door with guns blazing. And since all the faceless bad guys have gone to the Hollywood Shooting School, every shot misses. It’s ridiculous.

So should you see this? Not a chance. As bad as it was, I sort of liked it because I enjoy the games, but that’s the only reason. As a movie for everyone else on the planet, it’s awful.

Grade: C (For you, F)

A moment of silence is needed. This week, Netflix shipped my last HD DVD. After Stardust, I’m all Blu…and blue.

On that note, for those of you with HDTVs w/ HDMI, the upscaling DVD players out there give an outstanding picture for your standard DVDs. At around $100, they make a great stopgap until Blu-Ray gets cheaper.

When Stardust was released last summer, the critics were calling it the next Princess Bride. Hellooooo blasphemy.

Look at that poster. See Claire Danes? Not Buttercup. See the effeminate man-girl in the tranchcoat? Not Cary Elwes. He tries, but fails. I have no doubt that Robert De Niro could play a believable Andre the Giant. But he doesn’t, so it doesn’t count. Oh, and the other lady up there in the corner is Michelle Pfeiffer. I have no idea what rock she’s been hiding under all these years, but it sure kept her purdy.

So yeah, Stardust is not The Princess Bride. But on its own, it’s an outstanding movie. It’s quirky, it’s fun, it’s sweet, and you’ll enjoy every minute of it (well, most of it).

Remember when you saw Claire Danes in Romero & Juliet and you fell in love with her? Then, when you saw her in Shopgirl, you kicked her to the curb? In Stardust, you fall in love with her again (You fickle bastard). Of everyone, she and Michelle Pfeiffer were cast the best.

The rest of the cast is great, too. Even though I made fun of him (her?) earlier, the main guy does a good job. And I won’t spoil it, but De Niro plays one of his more memorable roles, hehe. Seeing the rest of the more famous faces pop up is great, with each getting a proper entry.

One thing I found odd is the director’s choice to make this rated PG-13. There’s nothing overtly offensive, but I thought it was an odd rating for what amounts to a fairy tale. Perhaps that’s what killed it in the box office.

Anyway, go rent this. It’s a few hours well worth your time.

Grade: A

Hey, check it out. I think this is review #50. Rock! \m/

OK, so I Am Legend. I wanted to see this in the theaters, but didn’t get the chance. As it turns out, I think the best experience for this movie is on DVD.

Lemme explain. When I first popped the disc in, I was greated with a big splash screen that said “Theatrical Version” and “Alternate Version.” That’s it. No previews, no explanations, just a big freakin menu with two choices. How is that helpful? What’s the Alternate version? Should I watch that one or go with the theatrical release? How much is different? It’s like those old Lethal Weapon movies where they have to choose either the red wire or green one.

After a moment of seriously considering to check the internet for the right choice, sanity returned and I realized it was just a DVD. My TV wasn’t going to explode. Ironically, I did hear a voice that said, “You chose….poorly” after I selected the theatrical release.

I thought the movie was ok. Definitely worth a rental, anyway. But I didn’t like the ending. It felt too “Hollywood” for me. It wasn’t bad, by any means. It just wasn’t great. So I figured I’d check out the Alternate Version.

I put the movie on fast forward and stopped whenever something new showed up. Out of the whole movie, two things were different – the ending and one extra/expanded scene. But holy crap. Those two alterations changed the entire theme of the movie. That could highlight just how much fluff there was in the story, but I was shocked at how different the Alternate version is.

I have a hunch that the Alternate ending was supposed to be the true ending of the movie. It leaves a lot more questions hanging for you to muddle over, but I think those help the rest of the movie. You hear a lot of stories about how the “suits” change movies to make it more accessible to stupid American audiences. I have a feeling that’s what happened here and it wasn’t until the DVD that the director could put his vision out there. They probably say that in the commentary, but who listens to those?

So yeah, if you haven’t checked it out, do so. Even if you saw it in the theaters, the alternate version might be worth a look. Let me know which version you liked best.

Grade: A- (Original Ending = B)